


Up In Flames

by UltimateViolistFangirlOfEverythingNerdy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Magnus is the best boyfriend, Trans Alec Lightwood, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 11:03:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11251809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateViolistFangirlOfEverythingNerdy/pseuds/UltimateViolistFangirlOfEverythingNerdy
Summary: There's a reason Magnus calls Alec "Alexander" all the time, but it doesn't start that way.





	Up In Flames

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this 15 months ago, so this was written with season 1 characterization in mind. I think it still fits with season 2 though.

_Alexander._ Every time Magnus says that, rolls his name off his tongue like it was born there, something flutters in his chest. Not many people say that name with such confidence, even after years of practice.

 

_Everything feels wrong, itchy in a way that's hard to describe, especially for a 10 year old. “I don't like the dress, Mom.”_

_“Alec, this is the 10th dress we've tried on today. Izzy found one within the first 3. You_ have _to wear a dress to this event; don't think rejecting every dress will get you out of it.”_

_The ten year old’s eyes flicker uncomfortably, shifting awkwardly in place._

_“_ Alexandria _.”_

_“Let's try the second one again, Mom.”_

 

Magnus makes him feel like himself, more so than anyone he's ever met, especially not the one's _before._ He never questions, never oversteps the boundaries, never tries to change him. He knows when to push and when to take a step back. Magnus is the person he's always needed in his life without knowing someone was missing.

 

_“Izzy, I don't like dresses.”_

_“Uhh, duh Alec, I think everyone knows that.”_

_“No, Izzy,” a pause and a slight shift into a defensive posture, “I_ hate _dresses. Every time I have to wear a dress for something, I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. Everything itches and nothing feels right.”_

_Izzy gives Alec a once over, eyes narrowing for a second before softening a little, “What would you rather wear, then, Alec?”_

_“Pants,” the words tumble out of Alec’s mouth, quick and messy, “Button up shirts, ties, shoes, boxers,” mouth snapping shut as quickly as it opened, as if the owner had lost control and finally regained it._

_A smile flits across Izzy’s face, “I think I might be able to find a way to do that.”_

_The incredulous look that falls onto Alec’s face makes a smile appear on Izzy’s._

 

Alec never could grasp Magnus’s style. All the glitter and colour baffled him. It was so _girlish_. Not that it looked bad on Magnus, not by a long shot, but he couldn't understand how Magnus was comfortable wearing what he wears. Alec brushes it off as another of Magnus’s inexhaustible list of mysteries and tries not to give it a second thought.

 

_“Excuse me?” the harshness of Maryse’s voice makes Alec flinch and Izzy starts to take a protective step forward._

_“I'm—” a deep breath reveals that the 15 year old is shaking. “I'm not a girl.”_

_Maryse stares blankly at Alec and Izzy. “Of course you are.”_

_“No mom, he’s not,” Izzy takes another step, now in front of Alec. “There's a word for it: transgender. It means that the gender in a person’s head doesn't match the one assigned at birth, the one based off the baby’s genitals.”_

_“That's nonsense, Isabelle. I don't know where you've heard this garbage from, but it won't be spoken in this house again, understood?” Izzy’s eyes shine with fire, but she nods regardless. “And Alexandria?” Alec looks up, eyes glistening, “You_ will _be wearing a dress to the gala next week.” Alec nods meekly before turning and walking away. Izzy follows closely behind._

_If sobbing can be heard coming from Alec’s room later that evening, no one chooses to comment on it._

 

“I don't get what's such a big deal, darling. So what if the waitress thought you were a girl for a second? It just goes to show how breathtaking you are, really.”

“Magnus,” Alec’s voice comes out cracking and broken, not at all what he intended, but it catches Magnus’s attention. He lets his eyes roam over Alec’s body for a moment before stepping closer and gently resting his hands on Alec’s shoulders.

“Okay Alexander,” and Alec’s body loses some of it's tension at that, but it doesn't register with Magnus. “You're upset. I'm sorry I've hurt you, because clearly I have, and I'll do anything to rectify that. I don't understand, but I won't push you. I guess it's some weird shadowhunter thing, but I'll respect that.”

“Yeah,” Alec says with a slightly clipped laugh and the tiniest sliver of a smile, “ _weird shadowhunter thing_. Something like that.”

Magnus draws the boy into a hug and decides not to comment on the shudder and shaky breath he releases, electing instead to squeeze him a little tighter.

 

_“But you're not a_ real _boy?” Jace’s face contorts a little in confusion._

_“JACE!” Izzy shouts, indignant on her brother’s behalf._

_“Izzy—,” Alec starts._

_“I'm just, trying to understand,” Jace says, looking a little lost and confused._

_“I'm not—I feel like a boy, like you. I like the things you like, think the way you do, want to do what you do. I don't feel like a girl.”_

_“Trust me,” Izzy interrupts with a smirk, “I would know. Alec’s not like any girl I've ever met, including the most tomboy girl, possibly in existence.”_

_Jace still looks a little confused, so Alec continues, “Dresses—I hate them, you know this, but not the extent. Dresses make my skin crawl. Every time I'm forced to wear a dress, I can't get it off fast enough. If it were an option, I’d set myself on fire to not put on a dress ever again in my life.” Jace’s eyes widen a little at that. “And periods,” Jace makes a face, but Alec presses on, “every time that time of the month comes, it feels like my body's betraying me. It's literally the grossest thing I've ever felt.”_

_“And trust me, most girls do not feel that way,” Izzy adds._

_“And my boobs. I hate them. They get in the way. I hate the way they look, the way they feel on my body. If I could, I'd cut them off completely.”_

_“Again, not something females think.”_

_“There's a word for it, mundanes use it. Transgender. There are other people like me, enough so that they've got a name for it. And it's been around for years. Mundanes invented this word before we were_ born _, Jace.”_

_“I—this is a lot to process, Alec. I'm going to need some time, but...”_

_Alec looks at him, hesitant hope blossoming in his eyes. Jace takes a step forward, hesitates, and pulls Alec into his arms, hugging him like he’d disappear if he let go. “It's going to be okay, Alec,” Jace whispers into his ear, “You're my parabatai. I could never turn my back on you. However you feel, we'll deal with it. Together. You're my...brother. I love you.”_

 

“Isabelle Lightwood, where on Earth did you learn the phrase ‘transgender’?”

Alec looks around Magnus and makes eye contact with his sister, his eyes filled with terror. “I get around, Magnus,” Izzy replies with a smirk.

“Not that this is bad, mind you, I'm just surprised, darling. I thought that that sort of thing—not the actual thing, mind you, but the naming and recognizing of it—was almost strictly mundane.”

“I've met and talked to my fair share of mundanes in my life. And the Seelie are quite in touch with that sort of thing as well.”

“Well, I'm proud of you. It's not an easy thing, to break out of that rigid shadowhunter shell and allow yourself to learn new concepts that may seem foreign to you.”

“Thanks Magnus”

“It's hard, sometimes,” Alec says, quietly like he’s still debating whether to speak his mind or not, “to be ‘socially aware’ as Clary has informed me the mundanes say, when your mother won't even accept the fact that you're gay, but,” here, Alec shrugs, “we manage.”

Magnus glances over at Alec with a sad look in his eyes, before visibly brightening and moving the conversation on to a different topic.

 

“ _Alexandria! Is that you? Where the hell have you been? You been gone for—”_

_“Hi mom.” Maryse stands frozen in the hallway, staring at Alec with her mouth opening and closing like she can't figure out what to say, eyes flicking up and down Alec’s body like she can't decide what to comment on first._

_“Brother, is that you I here, slinking back home after days away?” Izzy’s voice floats through the house before she flounces into the room, kissing Alec on the cheek. “Did everything go alright?” Izzy asks, seemingly ignoring her mother's presence entirely._

_A slow smile emerges on Alec’s face, “Yeah, everything went really well, actually.”_

_“I'd have to agree with that,” Izzy says, giving her brother a once over with a smirk on her lips. Alec smiles right back._

_“Alec, Izzy. I demand to know what's going on right now. Alexandria, what have you done to yourself?” Both siblings startle, suddenly remembering that their mother is also standing in the room._

_“It's called a binder, Mom. It makes you look like you don't have boobs. And I got a haircut and some new clothes.”_

_Isabelle smiles brightly at Alec before punching him hard in the shoulder. “What the hell were you thinking, running off without telling anyone?”_

_“I'm sorry, Iz. I just—I needed to do this on my own.”_

_“I understand, big brother. Now,” at this, Isabelle grabs Alec’s arm and starts dragging him down the hallway, neither glancing back at their mother “Tell me all about what happened.”_

 

“Hey, Alec?”

“Yeah, Jace?”

“I know you and Clary don't get along so well,” Alec raises his eyebrows, giving his brother an unimpressed look. “But I overheard her and Simon talking the other day,” Jace hesitates, face twisting in a way Alec recognises as him trying to choose the right words.

“What about?” Alec prompts with a slightly put upon sigh.

“You,” Jace blurts out. Alec’s eyebrows furrow and Jace immediately starts backpedaling, “No, no, not about _you_ , but about people like you.”

A lightbulb flickers on in Alec’s head and he visibly starts to retreat into himself, his shoulders hunching forward, “You mean transgender people, Jace?”

“Yeah, yeah, and I know you don't necessarily like either of them, but they are- _were_ -mundanes. They know way more about that kind of thing than any of us do, and I thought that it might be nice to talk to someone less sheltered than us, someone who could talk to you about things we can’t, help you with things none of us understand.”

Alec stares at his brother for a long time, looking him over and contemplating the earnest hopefulness he sees on the other boy’s face. He recognises, in the privacy of his own mind, that Jace is genuinely trying to help him—looking out for his brother. However, he’s not entirely sure how much he wants to acknowledge this out loud, how much he wants to deal with the emotional implications of it. He’s not confident he wants to talk to someone other than his siblings about this, not yet. But he can't shake the look in Jace’s eyes, the unabashed glow of love and concern he sees there. Crushing that, however cautious and scared he may be, is unthinkable.

“I'll think about it, Jace.” And the smile blooming on Jace’s face makes all the potential hurt worth it.

 

_“Mom, we need to talk.”_

_“What about, Jace?”_

_“Alec.”_

_This startles Maryse some, “What about your sister?”_

_“That!” Maryse startles at his exclamation. “When are you gonna get a clue? Alec’s not a girl, Mom. Hasn't ever been. And I'm sick and tired of you refusing to accept that. Do you not see what you're doing? Alec sobs in his room every time you make comments about him being a girl. He's tearing himself up on the inside because you're too bigoted to see your son for who he is. He talks about preferring to set himself on fire than wear dress. He'd rather_ kill himself _than wear the dresses you force him into. What's it going to take for you stop slowly killing your oldest child?”_

_Jace stomps out of the room and slams the door, leaving Maryse sitting alone, thinking._

 

“I'm not,” Alec starts and then stops, hesitating, “I'm not who you think I am.” Apprehension shines brightly on Alec’s face as he shifts uncomfortably, looking unshakably at the ground.

Magnus focuses in on Alec. These were strange words to be coming from the boy he'd been going on dates with for the past few months, “What do you mean, Alexander?” The flinch Magnus barely catches at the utterance of his name only exacerbates his confusion.

Alec shifts his eyes around, refusing to meet his gaze. “I'm not who you think I am,” he repeats.

“What is it, exactly, that makes you different from whom I perceive? As I see you, you're the most caring, kind shadowhunter I've ever met and quite possibly the prettiest boy I've ever seen.”

“THAT’S just it.”

“ _What's_ just it, Alexander?”

“I'm not,” his voice chokes, catching on the next words, “I'm not a boy.”

Magnus narrows his eyes for a fleeting second, “Okay, you should have told me. Do you have a name you would rather me call you?”

Alec’s eyes are wide and a bit wild, skipping between objects in the distance and Magnus right in front of him, “NO! I mean, that's not—I’m not _really_ male. My birthname is Alexandria. I'm not—I’m a _girl,_ ” and his voice is completely wrecked.

Magnus looks genuinely confused at this point, “Why do you use male pronouns then?”

Alec looks stricken, almost like he’s unable to comprehend the words Magnus is speaking. “I don't like dresses!” He blurts out suddenly. The continued look of confusion on Magnus’s face prompts him to continue. “Every time I'm forced to wear a dress, it makes me want to set myself on fire just to get out of it.” His voice drops low, his eyes downcast, “I had to wear dresses a lot as a kid.”

Finally, a look of realization blossoms on Magnus’s face. It quickly crumbles into a look of heartbreak with a slight flicker of anger, “Look at me. _Alexander_ ,” his head pops up to meet Magnus’s eyes, “Nothing, _nothing_ , can dictate what your gender is besides _you_ . Not what the doctors said when you were born. Not how your mother dressed you when you were little. Not the effects puberty had on you. _Nothing_ but what you feel inside is valid. If you feel like a boy, _you are a boy,_ no if, ands, buts, terms and conditions, or customer reviews can affect that. If you say you're Alexander Lightwood and you use he/him pronouns,” here, he reaches out to cup Alec’s face, caressing Alec’s cheek with his thumb, “Then you are the prettiest boy I've ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on.”

He keeps his hand on Alec’s face, gently wiping the tears away, before pulling him into a tight hug.

 

_“Alec, can I talk to you for a moment?” Alec startles as Maryse’s approach, looking up from the book he’s reading._

_“Yeah, Mom.”_

_“I—I don’t understand you, Alec. I don’t know if I ever will. But that’s no excuse for the way I’ve treated you. I—I’m so sorry, Alec. I was very ignorant and too concerned about what other people would think to be concerned about my...about my son,” Maryse looks up into Alec’s face and watches as it shifts. The look of confusion quickly dissolves into one of wonder as Alex begins to cry. Neither knows who moves first, but suddenly they’re hugging in the middle of the living room, Alec sobbing into his mother’s shoulder as she silently cries as well._

_Jace peaks around the corner of the doorway, a smile slowly spreading across his face._

 

“Alexander?”

Alec glances over at Magnus sitting next to him. The tone of his voice, more serious than he normally is, makes Alec shift uncomfortably next to him, “Yes?”

Magnus reaches out, placing a hand on Alec’s knee as if subconsciously trying to comfort him. “Before we move our relationship to the next level, I think we really need to have a conversation about boundaries.”

Alec tilts his head, “What do you mean, Mags?”

“Well...many transgender people tend to have stricter boundaries, more specific things they are and are not comfortable with...Usually having to do with their bodies, but also with things like nicknames or other things. I really care about you, and I want to make sure nothing I do will unintentionally upset you or make you uncomfortable.”

Alec’s eyes shine with a look of wonder as he looks at Magnus. A small smile spreads across his face, “Thank you for being so considerate.” Magnus rolls his eyes at this, mouth twitching with a smile that says ‘how could you think I would be otherwise?’ “Uhhhh, well, obviously, anything that references me looking like a girl is bad,” Alec says with a shrug.

Magnus’s face drops with sudden recognition, “Oh, Alexander,” he says with a frown, rubbing his thumb along where his had still rests on Alec’s leg. “If only I had known, I would have never made such a flippant remark.”

“What are you talking about?” Alec’s face scruches with confusion.

“When we went on that date and the waitress called you ‘miss’ by accident and you got upset?”

“Oh. Ha, I had mostly forgotten about that, truly.”

“Regardless, please know I would have never invalidated your feelings like that if I had know.”

Alec smiles softly, “You handled it perfectly well if memory serves,” Alec’s voice changes tone a bit “‘You’re upset. I'm sorry I hurt you. I won't push you.’ was that not your reaction?” Magnus just nods “How could I have expected anything more?

“Anyways, obviously overly feminine compliments are a bit not good. But,” Alec’s eyes cut away from Magnus, “You calling me pretty isn't so bad, really.”

Magnus squeezes Alec’s knee a bit, “Oh really now?”

Alec’s face flushes a bit as he continues, “I know I don't...particularly like being touched on my chest but,” Alec breaks off, staring at Magnus’s hand on his leg, “I've never really, done anything with anyone so I don't—I don't really know what's good or bad beyond that, really,” Alec shrugs.

Magnus places a bit of pressure on Alec’s leg as he leans forward. His eyes dart down to Alec’s lips, “Is this okay?” he says in a hushed voice.

Alec laughs a bit, jostling him a bit by bouncing his leg, “Obviously, idiot.”

Magnus leans in and kisses him lightly on the lips. He pulls back with a smile, “That’s all we need to go on, then. We can figure out the rest together.”

Alec covers Magnus’s hand still on his knee with one of his own and smiles, “Together.”

 

_“Hey, um, Mom? I’d like you to meet my boyfriend.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my friend Xavier, who gave me some ideas when I was writing this and has read it at multiple stages over the past year. This is for you.  
> The title is a reference to the song "Up In Flames" by Ruelle.


End file.
